Monday, March 19, 2007

Hilarities of the Harvard Police Advisory

A few months ago, I received an advisory detailing an attempted robbery in which a Harvard undergraduate was threatened with an umbrella (no joke). When he refused to fork over his cash, he was struck with the umbrella. The multiple offenders then fled, only to be caught an hour later. Today I received another account of incompetent criminal boobery:
On Sunday, March 18, 2007, a male undergraduate student reported to the
Harvard University Police Department that he was the victim of an
attempted armed robbery while walking on JFK Street. At approximately
1:15, AM as the victim approached the intersection of JFK Street and
Memorial Drive, he observed an unidentified male smoking a cigarette
and gesturing with his hands. As he got close the unidentified male,
who was holding a knife, demanded the student's wallet. The victim
indicated to the suspect that he was going to comply with his demand
for his wallet. The victim then resisted and threw his backpack at the
suspect. As the suspect fell to the ground the victim disarmed him.
The suspect then fled over the Larz Anderson Bridge into Allston. A
search by the Harvard University Police Department and the
Massachusetts State Police failed to locate the offender. The victim
was not injured and did not require medical attention.
First of all, this story is obviously made up. No Harvard undergraduate would ever, in a million years, attack someone holding a knife with his backpack. And furthermore, Harvard undergraduates are not capable of "disarming" people, except perhaps with their fake smiles and overwhelming mediocrity. Perhaps it isn't surprising that, in the story, the male undergraduate claimed that the attacker fled to the urine-soaked hellhole slash den of iniquity that is, in any Harvard undergraduate's mind, Allston.

Oh how I long for the days of the serial ride-by gropers of yester year.

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