The Friedman Acceptability Meter: A Primer

Tomorrow morning I embark with Mr. John N Friedman on our cross-country road trip. As some of you have pointed out, this is a long trip to be spending with one other person, and, in order to stay sane and keep Friedman in his place, I will be posting daily on the acceptability of his behaviour. I will use a simple 10-point scale. A 5 will represent a neutral acceptability - Friedman has neither done anything particularly horrifying, nor particularly endearing. If Friedman saves my life (assuming an exogenous life-threatening shock), he'll receive a 10 for the day. If he purposefully thrusts me in harm's way, for example to shield himself from a well-struck foul ball or a rabid buffalo, then he will receive a 1.

I may change the scale to a continuous, logarithmic scale, which would allow the assigning of 0 to Friedman's behaviour - a 0 would indicate that the acceptability of his actions admits no lower bound.

The numerical scoring will of course be glossed extensively. I may post a few pictures as well. Comments will be appreciated to indicate that at least one warm body is reading this self-promoting windbaggery.

Chemistry.com ad

Chemistry.com is the world's first dating website that uses "biochemistry" to create the perfect match. Or so they claim. However, their ad says that, unlike eHarmony, which has rejected over a million potential clients, they accept anyone. Sign me up for eHarmony...

Fancy Real Estate Brokers

My mom and step-dad are beginning the process of selling their house. The first step seems to be interviewing an endless stream of identical real estate brokers. Not only do they use the same phrases - "supply and demand," "pent up demand," "fair market value," "oh my, what a beautiful home," and so on, but they're all women. Every single one. To be fair, one showed up with her husband, who was appropriately reserved and only spoke when spoken to.

My experience in hunting for mid-range apartments in Cambridge was that at least half of the real estate people were male - why is the sex ratio so strikingly out of balance in the Palo Alto multi-million dollar home market?

I have survived

I was first given laughing gas, which made me feel incredibly on edge and sick. Then the oral surgeon was like

OS: "Have you ever had enough alcohol to feel buzzed?"

Me: "Yes, yes I have."

OS: "What do you usually start out with?"

Me: "Oh, I don't know, usually some sort of pretentious microbrew"

OS: "How about hard liquor?"

Me: "Well, if it has to be hard liquor, then I'm goin' straight to my friend Jack"

OS: "Nice. Well, what I'm about to give you in your arm here is gonna feel like 10 shots o' Jack. All at once."

Me: "Excellent."

It was something of a rush, though I'm not sure it felt quite like 10 shots of Jack. I either fell asleep while he was taking my upper teeth out, or he didn't take them out...and my mouth doesn't feel up to an inspection yet. I woke up in time to observe the use of a bone saw to cut the lower teeth into pieces. At one point, I recall the same kind of pain you get when you're having a cavity drilled and they haven't given you enough Novocaine. The oral surgeon was like "Jesus, I've never seen anything like this, where the hell's the nerve?" Then he carpet bombed my mouth with Novocaine and all was well. I even got to keep the teeth.

Last Post Before Potentially Deadly Surgery

Tomorrow I go in for wisdom tooth extraction. It's probably as dangerous as getting on a plane, what with the drug cocktail they're going to pump into me. For most of today I thought I was going to be able to say "at least I saw a no hitter," but no, Schilling gave it up with two outs in the ninth on a well-struck ball by an incredibly mediocre player. It's the second time this year I've come within one unit of baseball history, the first being when John N. Friedman and I almost saw the Red Sox score in every frame in their home opener (a less well-known but more rare baseball event than even a perfect game).

In case I don't return, I have the following observations to make (reiterate, really), in closing, about the world:

• Baseball is the king of sports, and basketball and soccer have no redeeming qualities
• Economics is mental masturbation, and I don't mean just theory
• The Drive-By Truckers achieved musical perfection with the album "Pizza Deliverance"
• Women are crazy, but men, with the notable exception of me, are assholes

The movies I plan on watching during my hopefully short and vicadin-intensive recovery period are: Sin City, The Painted Veil, and The Remains of the Day.

The Most Expensive Beer Ever Bought By Me

At the A's-Red Sox game last I night bought 4 (2 for me, one for pizpwn, and one for Xris) $10 "Big Coronas." They are aptly named in the sense that they're much bigger than any other beer on sale - in fact, I think the beer per dollar ratio may be higher on the Big Corona than on the other beers. However, the line at the Big Corona place was consistently shorter than the line at the place next to it, which sold regular sized beers. I've always wanted to run the experiment at a baseball game where two places, right next to each other, sell the same thing and charge different prices (I'd get in the high-price line, which would be shorter), but the A's solution might be even better - the people willing to pay $10 for a bigger beer get the shorter line without sacrificing any value at all.

Epic Baseball Manager Meltdown

Can be seen here.

Speaking of baseball, I just got back from Red Sox at A's. Exhausting game. The A's squandered a bases loaded with no outs situation in the bottom of the ninth, then almost won on an accidental drag bunt (diving play by the pitcher, Kyle Snyder, saved it), and then finally succeeded in winning on a boring homerun. Dustin Pedroia was giznanked at home on a David Ortiz double, which would have put the sox up in the 10th...

This is a Direct Quote That Requires No Gloss

Pitcher-for-hire Roger Clemens was scratched from Monday's start against Chicago because of groin fatigue

Ridiculous Lobster

This is, apparently, a natural phenomenon.

Pornography Puzzle

I was reading the NYTimes article on pricing and competition in the adult film industry, which reminded me of a question I came up with a few years ago and never answered. Al Franken, in his book (which I did not read) of a few years ago made the claim that the average hotel guest who orders a full-length adult movie only watches 8 minutes of the movie before turning it off. It seems to me that everyone would be better off if the hotel cut such a movie into a bunch of scenes, and charged an amount less than or equal to the amount it currently charges for a whole movie, for just one scene. Perhaps this is related to the "why can't you get a truly small coffee at Dunkin' Donuts" problem?

Today's NYTimes article is interesting in and of itself. It claims

...unlike consumers looking for music and other media, viewers of pornography do not seem to mind giving up brand-name producers and performers for anonymous ones, or a well-lighted movie set for a ratty couch at an amateur videographer’s house.

In light of this fact about demand, high-class producers of pornography are responding with "well-lighted movie sets":

“We use good-quality lighting and very good sound,” said David Joseph, president of Red Light District, a production company in Los Angeles that has made films like “Obscene Behavior.”

Mr. Joseph said his company did not waste its time, or that of the viewers, on unnecessary plot lines.

“There’s not a whole lot of story — it’s basically right to the sex, but we’re consistent with the quality,” he said, noting that the company is also careful to pick interesting backdrops. “We use different locations, rooms and couches.”

I don't know about you, but when I'm watching pornography, I try to avoid plotlines, but I do take a time out to look at the furniture, and the way the room is laid out.

Google Maps Streetview

So apparently Google has been sending vans around different towns and taking pictures of everything. Google maps allows you to see pictures of addresses, if those pictures are available. My mom's house looks like:

StrayRod

So ARod's publicist decided that this was about the best time for the superstar hunk philanthropist to be seen entering and leaving a hotel, and then going to a strip club with "an unidentified woman" whom I believe to have been "busty."

"Cynthia Rodriguez, A-Rod's wife and mother of their 2 1/2-year-old daughter Natasha, was nowhere to be seen," the Post said.

The best part of this article is that they decided to interview Johnny Damon about this:

"I think everything probably got blown out of proportion like always," outfielder Johnny Damon said.

Unreported by CBS, Johnny continued:

Like this time once, when I was doing 2 chicks at once, and then I realized that I was on the Diamondvision - if my wife didn't care, then why should you guys?

The Opposite of Phallic

A few months ago, Chris Hall told me that the female equivalent of phallic was "yonic." This interested me enough to not do anything about it until I remembered it yesterday, and then look into it. The OED defines "yoni" as

A figure or symbol of the female organ of generation as an object of veneration among the Hindus and others.

I'd prefer to find the Greek-root antonym. I found a discussion board that claims that the two best possibilities are "hysteric" (not a great possibility, for obvious reasons) and "uterine." But I'm not sure that the uterus is the appropriate opposite organ in this case - when we use phallic, we really use it to refer to the physical act of...copulation. I think the antonym should refer to the female portion of the physical interface between man and woman.

I guess I'll conclude for now that yonic is appropriate, because of this note on the etymology from the OED (and because of the general consensus online):

In nature-worship, all natural orifices were reverenced as representing the yoni of the mother-earth goddess.

So I don't think yoni refers to the uterus...Sorry if this is an awkward discussion for my less mature readers. But I do plan to start using "yonic" in conversation as soon as possible.

Facebook Ad

Is this an ad for the clothing she's wearing...or the clothing that she isn't?

Announcing my Roadtrip Blog 2007

For those of you who do not know, Mr. John Friedman and I will be enjoying a cross-country roadtrip from June 13-July 1, or so. No doubt many have asked Mr. Friedman how he could stand to be with me and me alone for so long, but rest assured, we will have a break halfway in between while he zips to and from Las Vegas for activities otherwise unspecified. During much of the driving, we will be occupied with the five-part biography of Andrew Mellon that I downloaded from Audible.com in a paroxysm of studious historical interest.

I promise to use this blog both to document our trip, and, more interestingly, to post a daily "Friedman Acceptability Reading." I'd like to, if possible, find appropriate thermometer graphics. Also if possible, I will record a "Friedman quote of the day" word for word and transmit it to you through this medium. Mr. John Friedman may indeed read my blog and be aware of this feature, but there's no way he can go a whole day without generating at least one quotation worth recording for the kind readers of this humble blog.

What Would Al Roth Say to This?

Apparently, those Dutch are at it again. Someone is broadcasting a show in which three ill "contestants," each of whom is deathly in need of a kidney, compete for a healthy kidney. On a cheery note, the donor is terminally ill.

She will make her choice based on the contestants' history, profile and conversations with their families and friends. Viewers will be able to send text messages advising her during the 80-minute show.

Ah, text messages, how did we survive without you?

Andy Roddick: Consummate Loser

These days, I don't really care who wins tennis tournaments, as long as "ARod" loses horribly, like he did today.

Email to my Landlord

Dear Barry,

We have a list of concerns about the apartment, some of which we consider completely unacceptable, some only mildly unacceptable, most of which we have told you about in the past, and none of which you have mollified. We pay an enormous rent, and we are morally, legally, and I believe contractually entitled to better service on your part.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of the problems we have recently been having:

- The power goes out in our unit and we have to go into the basement to reset circuit breakers.
This has now happened 4 times.
- The air conditioning, which contributes to the power's going out, is utterly ineffective when it is on.
- The sink in the upstairs bathroom does not drain as it should.
- The toilet seat in the upstairs bathroom is broken.
- The lights in the downstairs bathroom have never worked properly.
- The bulbs in the chandelier above the stairs to the first floor are broken and preclude us from replacing them.
- A bulb in the upstairs bedroom is dead and not extractable.
- The wiring in the kitchen is faulty, so the lights are often difficult or impossible to get on and off using the dimmer switch.

In addition, we find it difficult to impossible to reach you or anyone affiliated with you when we have urgent problems that require immediate attention.

Please let us know if you consider our requests above unreasonable, or, if not, how we can begin addressing each of the concerns.

Thank you,

Jonathan

Bathtime in Clerkenwell (a short film)

From Andrew Hall, who describes it as "the best movie ever made."

Also, watch the trailer for Live Free, or Die Hard. Right now.

Bluesipher, The Original Dog from Hell

As some of you no doubt know, I'm being paid $40/day to dogsit my uncle's dog while he and my aunt are off in NYC. The dog's name is "Blue." He is a Prince Something's Spaniel - very round in shape, somewhat smelly, moody, and, I am sorry to say, he seems to be of the persuasion that consumes its own waste to ward off anxiety.

Luckily for me, all of my duties were carefully spelled out for me in a single-spaced, 2-page memorandum left in triplicate (quite literally) throughout the house. Blue requires morning and evening medicine, as well as three square meals a day - so far so good. Blue's other requirements are more irregular - for example, I am to sleep with him every night in the master bedroom:

[Blue]'s a good bed-mate and sleeps with both of us in the bed. In the morning he loves to be ruffled up (push him on his back and rub his stomach and he'll sound like he's growling, but he's just happy).

If I take him on walks, I can let him off leash, and, to retrieve him, shout "Blue, Come! In a loud commanding voice - then give him an occasional reinforcement with a half-biscuit." To say that this dog responds to biscuits as reinforcement would be an exercise in meiosis.

Blue and I had our differences at first - when his mommy and daddy left, he became a bit disoriented and decided it was no longer safe to use the outdoors as his bathroom. But the truth is, our relationship has steadily improved. And it ends Thursday. Which is for the best.

What I've Been Reading

Sitting around with nothing to do, I've been reading books from/about the early 20th century.

1. Of Human Bondage
2. Cakes and Ale
3. The Remains of the Day
4. When We Were Orphans

Of Human Bondage is the best - it's about a poor, introspective chap who, despite constantly analyzing his own feelings and situation, can't seem to get rid of the people who clearly want nothing more than to giznank him horribly.

I'm almost embarrassed to have read The Remains of the Day, since everyone else seems to have read it and liked it, but it really is good. It's narrated from the perspective of an old-school English butler, and as such there are some very amusing and remarkable lines.

I've also been slogging through "Omensetter's Luck," which is Faulkner-esque, most of all in its unbridled incomprehensibility. But it does feature a preacher who spends most of his time mentally undressing the nymphets in his congregation.

Red Sox Update

As of right now, the Red Sox have scored more runs than any team in the majors, and given up fewer than any team in the majors (including, yes, "National League" teams). They also have the best record in baseball. The question on every Red Sox fan's mind is, when will they collapse?

CS Rap

Some Stanford students rapping about computer science.

The chorus:

Kill-9, no more CPU time
Kill-9, and your process is mine

27 Unique Ideas for Dates

Over the past few years, Yahoo! has decided to make its front-page content increasingly low-brow, to the extent that it now reads like an extension of the ads they show during weekday soap operas (or at least, the ads i imagine they show on such soap operas). Check this out if you're looking for a great way to impress a date on your first time out.

Are you two "homebodies?" If so, Yahoo! recommends

Watch a full season of your favorite show on DVD for a TV marathon night.

What about "true romantics?"

1. Create love coupons for foot rubs and back massages and cash them in.
2. Go all out with a traditional candlelight dinner.
3. Reserve a B&B getaway.

All three recommendations strike me as remarkable - but seriously, what girl wouldn't go to a B+B on a first date? "Traditional" is not a word I'd use to modify something I'm selling as "unique."

Anyway, the list goes on, it's pretty hilarious. Everything from racecar driving school to takin' an underprivileged kid to a circus. They throw in a "double date with the folks" for family types.

Free Paris

Yahoo reports that Paris Hilton has some pretty hilarious stuff on her MySpace petition to be pardoned for her crimes. Choice quotes:

The petition, looking to appeal to "all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice," describes Hilton as someone who "provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to [most of] our otherwise mundane lives."

In exchange for her global good deeds, the petition contends, she should not be locked up.

"otherwise mundane lives" - "mundane" is a pretty big word for a girl like Paris. I bet that's just her daddy talkin'.

"If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton."

This actually reads sort of like it was (literally) written by Paris herself. She managed to pick up the fact, maybe one day in school if she went to school, that Ford pardoned Nixon, and naturally, since her world revolves so tightly around herself, she concluded that a pardon was a reasonable solution to her crime. After all, she does so much good in the world.

Somehow, the article neglects to mention that Paris was slated to appear in an Indian-made movie as (no joke) Mother Theresa. I wonder what the status of that project is, though I'm too lazy to google it right now.